| be my breath so i can walk... |
[Sep. 12th, 2005|01:23 pm] |
I remember this song...it played during a dream...i was there....
i bought this book i wanted...its gunna be good...
later... |
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| Does anybody know?? |
[Sep. 1st, 2005|07:57 pm] |
ok in my religion and politics class today we discussed reasons people get into politics....being self interest, and thats about it...so ive just got a quick question maybe one of my creative friends can come up with an answer...is there any completely altruistic act that a person can do? one that doesnt benefit the person in ANY WAY...which includes receiving any reward...getting any respect for what you did...or being revered which includes martyrdom...so dying for someone doesnt really count...so
is there an altruistic act? anyone who can answer it will be appreciated. |
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| An update? really??? |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|12:28 am] |
ok folks...its been a few months since i wrote something...personally, i just havent had the need to write something or...been near a computer at the moment something strikes...something sortve did, but im sure itll throw me on those seperate topics...ok...
well, what just got me pissed right now is the damn internet...im looking through some bass tabs just for fun...and i notice that everytime i hit "back" it takes two clicks...i realize quickly that this phenomenon is the result of advertising...banners at the top and bottom and sides, and directly in front of the screen and next to me in bed, and working its way into my dreams...GRRRRR...STOP ADVERTISING!! its annoying, people need to stop trying to make money, and start making a life...life isnt money from idiotic smileys...im sure every person knows that ad...the one that NO ONE in the world would actually spend money on...but seems to always be there, and not to mention the apparent abundance of singles in my area who are dying to meet me...GO AWAY, i dont want to see your cleavage staring me in the face while im trying to learn a song on bass...and its all just so i dont have to pay some guy in his basement with time on his hands and basic knowledge of how to run a website and the ability to accept money from dumb companies that produce no real product(those smileys...i mean REALLY). UGH im just sick of this desperate crawl for money that every person is scratching their way through...
i wish i could just say that and be done...but it stems into an even bigger problem...probably the end of the world kind of problem...insane overpopulation...but that wouldnt even be as big of a problem if it werent for this belief that everyone has to find a place and succeed and be prosperous. We have been ingrained with this notion that we are supposed to get a job, a wife, 2.5 kids in the house, two cars in the garage, and being ball deep in debt. Its not the life for everyone, so im glad for movies like trainspotting that make a point to address that life is not a track...its just a mess of unfortunate circumstances that we have to rise above and be a wiser person for it.
wisdom is so key...but...not from old people...their time is up, and its pretty stupid that people are spending thousands of dollars to the pharmaceutical industry, which already has the balls of the planet in their vice grip, just so they can stave off death for a few more weeks...when your time is up...its up! death is natural and inevitable. and when i say this i always get "well youll be old one day" i say NO, im gunna die when my body is ready to die, and im not going to put all my money, which could go to like...kids or to help, on some drugs for me to just live through seering pain a little longer. WHen im not longer able to be a productive member of society...theres not reason to be there. as much as my mind is telling me i can fight it and live forever, it just wont happen...although our mind is powerful enough to convince us of it. Its strange how much stronger our unconscious mind is from our body.
its why we are individuals and not part of a hive...sometimes its getting that way though, the amount of complacency people just accept is horrible, the shit is going down the tubes FAAST, and people say not really...but when you put thought into it, were fucked. the United States is only 229 years old, and already we are this huge booming capitalistic money hungry nation. Except people are so sure that we cant fix it cuz its our constitution says something very vague, and some judge, just some dude looking at the laws that WE created, and is deciding what the hell it means. im just annoyed at it, because i didnt accept that, i never signed any social contract that says im ok with these laws. I could deal with that, except that there is no other alternative. i would like it if we could create independent, yet still sovereign areas in the country, something like...i live in a community where its ok to smoke weed and speed...as long as i dont kill rape or steal from every one else. BUT if the laws are broken...immediate exclusion from the area, or even death. I would be ok with that, because i would be stepping into a community that i agreed to be a part of, that would be the social contract that i would be party to.
This country is far to big to apply one set of laws and codes of conduct for everyone, because the south and the north are completely different worlds. different belief systems, different values, different climates and different standards to live by. Not different countries, just, more emphasis on more specific places. i would move to utah if there was an area that i could smoke and chill in and not get berated and humiliated by false authority figures who have little to no understanding of my personal circumstances.
fucking cops...ok, if any police officer reads this...YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME!! damnit...and its never concrete...its just, "i know better because im a cop and you arent", there are some BAD cops out there just like there are bad people, bad people...those murdering and stealing and causing harm to others should be the aim for cops...but its not...its seatbelts, speeding, drunk driving(the only one i can understand) and pot smokers. I dont think that our gov't should be in charge of protecting us from ourselves, our own human nature. Every species of animal on the planet has found a way to inebriate itself for a little while, even if its just as simple as hitting its head against a rock, to escape...so why arent we allowed to use our wisdom and knowledge to fuck ourselves up for awhile, my choices for my body should be my choice...but its the gov'ts choice...they decide abortion and gay marraige, and when im ready to drink (21...WOW is that bullshit, thats TWENTY YEARS, we only live for like 70 years average, thats like a third of our lives before we have the maturity to drink a beer...idiots).
but its not even like they just dont know...in other countries they are getting more lax because people will find a way to get high...plain truth, take away pot..and people take cough syrup and make crystal meth, the biggest rising drug in the united states today, VERY quickly...so now they are removing cough syrup as a regular purchase...they are building a registry that says how often you buy it, and how much...more idiots...
we need wiggle room...the more we are constricted in our freedoms and ability to express and experiment with our lives, the more we push back and find other ways to get it done, more dangerous and unorthodox methods...
as humans we can be great...or awful...and we are awful...when it all goes to hell...and it will one day, everything happening is building up tension more and more...its gotta exlode at some point...and we have the ability to blow up the world at that moment...goodbye everyone...all your pharmaceuticals and money wont save you anymore...
ok im going to bed...now that im righteously annoyed and got all that out...wow there was more then i thought...if anyone is even still reading at this point...
well, until next time...goodnight.
LAATA |
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| 5 a.m. again...but better... |
[Apr. 30th, 2005|05:13 am] |
ok, so i wasnt happy with that last update, i read through it, and it doesnt exactly sound like me while im reading it. At least not compared to older journal entries...i dont like bitching about stuff...i was just not in a good mood, and i really wanted to write something in my journal, so people could know i hadnt forgotten about it, and so i could maybe get into it a little more. i suppose thats a little bit true, being that im writing in it right now, only a couple days later...
I read some of my older entries, and, im almost someone else right now, its not permanent...but it does suck. Reading the older stuff, i realized that i cared about things, and it makes me remember when i cared enough about politics to really go on a rant, with some quasi-educated responses and say something that i felt was real, and not just bitter, but something with a point.
I need a point for this entry too, and ill get to it, but you know how i am, i circle a bunch of things on my mind, and eventually it sometimes leads to something...
I guess i just miss the way it felt to really care, and to be able to get upset at real things, not some high school nice guy crap that i am really not all that concerned with anyway...the truth is im not concerned with a whole lot lately, im really just living to pass the time for now, at least until summer, because i want to start my job again, and be able to get something done, with results i can see and a paycheck to show for the work ive done, all i get now its grades...i hate grades, ive never cared about them, or given them really any thought, because grades are meaningless, if im learning the material thats fine by me, i dont need to know exactly my level compared to everyone else taking the class, and i dont know why they need to.
People are not the grades they earned in school...
we are so much more, and thats part of my problem with still being in school, we are still a number and a rank based on everyone else, and thats it...my individual merits dont actually matter, because they are just going to put it to scale with everyone else anyway...ive never judged people, or myself on the grades ive gotten, and it kind of bothers me when i see others who put such a tremendous focus on the highest grade they can get, and then they ask me what i got...and i tell them id rather not say, not because my grade is lower, or higher, but simply because i dont think i should be judged based on how well i sit in a classroom and write out endless meaningless essays and papers...
no, id rather talk to someone without any of those pretenses, which i know will exist, when i actually get a real job one day ill have a paycheck which will be the end all source of my rank in society...money...i reallly hate money, i have to say, there is nothing so impersonal and twisted as money. There is nothing else that could drive people to do some of the things they do...except money, we are obsessed with money in this country, and yet...even though we have so much of it, its never enough! i dont have a problem with my money or budgeting it, because i hate it...even though i like having it, simply because that means i can find entertainment, or a way to pass that everpresent time...although..its never really present in time, only the recent past, or near future, and even those we arent perceptive enough to take notice of and appreciate for what they are, i blame hollywood, and michael J Fox....
if it werent for movies like back to the future, and back to the future 2, it wouldnt seem quite so easy to travel back through time...think about it...do you really think traveling back in time is such a ridiculous thing? no, it seems almost tangible to us, even though this concept of time, is created by us, and the passage of time is what we cant reverse, its weird to realize that time will always go by at exactly the same rate no matter what we do, sleep, die, eat, fight, drink, passout, always the same speed...because its measured in time!
the more the time passes, the more i feel like im completely wasting away, i feel like im completely useless and unnecessary right now, and thats horrible, i have trouble getting out of bed in the late afternoon...because im not getting up for anything...except to eat and go to class...the same thing every day...and the same thing every weekend, getting drunk and to try to forget our existance for a few hours so we dont exist(what we all are really dreaming about but are terrified to admit) so we can start up another week of the same useless garbage we pretend that we need and are happy with...
so i sometimes test people with words and arguments, some people appreciate it, others want me to die...and thats ok because i want some people to die also...i also fight to help place the walls up around me, not so much to keep every person out, but partly because i am waiting to find a person who cares enough to try and break through them...
ive given up on holding my breath though...
some people have found a way through, and these are the people that i care enough to share with, and open up to, and push my thoughts and ramblings on...the people who can appreciate how screwed up i think i am in my own head...and i probably am a little screwy, and...you few know who you are...and i am eternally thankful to you.
schools almost over folks...the time is flying by at a rate of one second per second, and the grading system gets thrown when i close my door...and when 306 seneca hall is closed, the walls are coming down...lets party...
im out...
peace |
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| its 5 in the morning...ugh... |
[Apr. 27th, 2005|05:01 am] |
yea...my ability to sleep at any normal or even conceivably sane hour has completely been obliterated...im up till 5 and when i can im sleeping till three...but im working on it. Maybe...
ok i really havent updated in a while, but i havent forgotten about this journal, i just havent had the ability to write about anything i felt like writing about...
for some reason, for some unrelenting and ever-present reason, ive been having to take into consideration this term..."the nice guy" something about that phrase always bothered me...a lot. but i could never really put my finger on it, and i still cant, but i've got some thoughts about what this "nice guy" is...
ok, so it seems i can fit into this label of the "nice guy"...sortve, according to others, i fit that category, more than the bad guys...but is that a bad thing? There certainly is this difference that we are expected to live with and just accept. This idea that...the girls all go out and date the jackass guys with no personality, leaving their "nice guy" friends cold in the dust and only sparing them a small amount of this flirty and cute nature. hmm....
now why do we accept this twist of fate, this sense of humor of some fucked up thing higher up...or further down the line?
well according to the more intelligent people who are out there...its a phase that women go through, they want the bad boy when their young but eventually they grow out of it, and go for the good guy in the long run, who they want to end up with, start the family...bla bla bla...
this is supposed to be some form of vindication for the nice guy...people claim its that great thing where the tables turn and suddenly the nice guy gets the girl...except, its not the girl back when she was young and hot and not looking to get married...
damnit...am i supposed to just keep my snake in its cage till im thirty, then im just supposed to get married?
wow, thats a great victory...all those guys, who were 20 and horny and looking to get laid....did, meanwhile all the nice guys just kinda hung around and waited for out great vindication...meanwhile, they are getting laid!
then i finally get the girl, when she is looking to settle down, because shes done being crazy and spontaneous in her young days, and wants kids and security...what?!
now i know that isnt my end of the deal...because, that is bullshit...and fuck that...i think maybe some girls should realize...the nice guys wanna get laid too...they arent all looking for a serious girlfriend to take home to mom on vacations...maybe a good time on a weekend while your at a party and having fun...
my ability to tolerate this insane babble is beyond my reach...im not really warring against women...because i like women, they are some of the most beautiful and engaging creations on earth, and sadly i am a sucker for a pretty smile, and a good laugh gets me every time...but my frustration is that we are being lied to, simply to make us more compliant to women, because eventually our time will come...
fuck that, my time is now, and so is everyone elses, we are just supposed to live for a better day, because its supposed to come, meanwhile the best days are slipping by right now because we are always waiting for the future where we can look back and laugh at the jock because their education got them somewhere and the jock is still some loser sitting around in his moms basement, but that doesnt always happen, the best chance to improve is right now, and not a moment too soon, and its never too late to start living...
....except if your still in school...
youd think that after being in school for pretty much my entire life, and its almost 19 years, that i might be ready to get into the real world, and start some kind of life...nope, still got more school...three years..minimum, and even after that, i have no clue what im supposed to do, and if i have no clue..why not go and earn a masters?! yea sure, more school...i have to say im not ready to commit to getting a masters in something then not even using it down the line...im just completely sick of being in school and preparing for life, how much preparation is there i mean, i dont know what i would do, because im supposed to go to college after high school...
im just tired of everything happening so slow, im working for something now that i wont even get unless i spend three more years working towards it....im ready to do something.
so its five in the morning, and im so tired, but i cant sleep, im restless and worn out
and this is becoming a forced habit on my part...my head hurts...im ready for summer...
ok...theres more to talk about another time...but i have class in a little while...
laater... |
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| ok well...why not.. |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|02:45 am] |
well...its been like two months since i last wrote anything on this garbage...because thats what it is, garbage, i can't waste my time on that shit...yes i can, pretty easily but I didnt want to be the type who tells you about my day on this, cuz thats boring, so once the topic hits...BAM...it hadn't happened for awhile because i didn't have my damn computer...wtf...these are the only three letters...
But it seems sometimes the right topic just kinda hits me in the face, and i want to vent about being bitchslapped by a topic, cuz, we all know topics are bitches that i dominate on a regular basis...today i received that proverbial backhand from Valentines day...
Just the mere word is enough to send chills down peoples spine and make them gag and vomit all over themselves from being a whore and prostituting themselves all night for another beer from the friendly stranger at the end of the bar who wants to rape them...
I know exactly what every person is thinking right now...oh god, another person complaining about how terrible Valentines day is...but ya know what?
HELL NO....Valentines day certainly has its perks. We live in a beautiful consumer culture here, and spending always is good for EVERYONE, and anytime a holiday comes around there is a great little boost in our economy that we desperately need, cuz...well...bush...the end.
when i was outside smoking my ass to death today i couldnt help but get a good laugh at some guy carrying in a dozen roses for someone, or for whatever reason he had them...he had a look on his face that i recognize, cuz ive made it before...its that face you make when you are carrying a vase full of roses with your balls at the bottom soaking in water and impaled by those stems cuz itll make her happy...at least until tomorrow when she hands you your ass on a platter for some shit you didnt even realize you did
There is something almost magical about seeing every person take this one special day a year to not hide how lonely and miserable they are, now they can broadcast it to the world and bitch about how this holiday is just created by the greeting card companies to make a buck. ok, well they are doing a damn good job of it, so I tip my hat to you hallmark, I only wish I could write shitty, sappy poetry and make men pay hundreds of dollars to me just so women can act like their guy really is spontaneous and romantic...
One of the other great perks of Valentines day is the amount of pleasure it gives people to hate that special someone of the other sex who made them so bitter. Nothing makes me happier than knowing...at least i saved fifty bucks by not having to buy you a damn bouquet of roses that are twenty bucks more expensive that day, that are good for maybe getting me some...but its easier when there is no money or gifts...cuz you dont really wanna be prostituting yourself for flowers...really? ok then, if you want to...
Heres a good idea for your next Valentines day...celebrate it on the 16th next February, and use the 14th as a day you actually shower and get rid of some of that pesky body hair that just makes you itch, then on the fifteenth, bask in the joys of purchasing boxes of chocolate marked down 75%, and flowers that are cheaper then that hooker you passed on some backroad in kansas who would blow you for a sandwich. Then you can start your real romantic day thats even more romantic cuz only you two are enjoying it, and for half the price...AND you may even be able to get a reservation in a restaurant, or hell, continue the great savings and just order off the dollar menu at mcdonalds...bring a flower with you, itll be a unique experience and you will love it.
One of the things that does bother me on V-day is this obligation of love for someone else, some of you may be saying "ugh but its so beautiful and he treats me nice today" thats good, except for the other 364 days when hes jamming a boot up your ass for talking out of turn and not having dinner on the table by 6...bitches.
Can love be forced? because thats what valentines day is...its forced love for someone else because thats what our happy society tells us to do, i just feel like forcing these i love yous, is becoming closer and closer to meaning nothing, people just throw it around all over, thrown all willy nilly over the back of your chair cuz your skin was burning from a bad trip on angeldust...puff puff pass...share the love...
people should definitly be doing more drugs, especially on V-day, everyone is so damn tightly wound up...and also boring, entertain me for an hour damnit...if I pass you a bowl, you better take a hit, cuz
I didnt come to party alone, while you just sit there and use that same shit answer everyone gives..."i think its funnier being the one sober person listening to all the drunk people"....NO YOU DONT, Ive been that guy, its BORING as hell, and definitly not funny, when your stoned too you can tell me about that time you stared at a wall and then ate some fuzz off your floor just before you shit yourself...and i may actually be interested...
oh what the heck...maybe im just mushy and a hopeless romantic...maybe Valentines day is a good time after all, then again, so are friday nights getting so drunk you piss on some guys leg while you stare at his girlfriend and actually drool a little bit, while your outside smoking, cuz you just gotta go...man, those are the days...the black eye was definitly worth it...
ok im just a little bitter at life, its just one of those days where my social conscience is biting my neck telling me to shake off some of this bitterness on a journal entry instead of on you, who I probably should get it out on, I mean, I think I was pretty cool about all of it...
eff that...im out...
laata |
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| sooon.... |
[Nov. 23rd, 2004|02:59 pm] |
im sitting here just counting down the moments in time until i get into a car then go to the airport then flying....home.
I figure i need to pass some time and ive got some stuff on my mind, one or two people may not like it, but i dont care anymore, this is for me, not you...
first i just have to say this...
what does it all mean?
ok now that thats out of the way...
well...Dubya won the election...kind of upset about that still. This christian right is coming into power even stronger then ever before. These bible pushers are putting into legislation a moralized, idealized society, which never existed in the first place. The bible was written hundreds of years ago, times have changed drastically since then. In all these midwest states where technology and change are frowned upon, and people are afraid of it. This is supposed to be the United States...the land of the free...where a person is free to live the way they want...unless it makes the midwest feel icky.
I mean just the fact that gay marraige has become an issue in the past four years, nothing has changed since clinton was president, why is what two consenting adults do in the bedroom matter so much to people in states like kansas, who have probably never even met a gay person and have this insane image of this promiscuous gay man spreading AIDS all over the country. Meanwhile if two adults get married, it usually eliminates that promiscuity that probably never existed in the first place.
These homophobic bible belt evangelists are trying to legislate morality for the first time in our country, and the scary thing is its working, and now people who are liberal, or not ultra-conservative are finding the advancements made in our culture ripped away because its not what Jesus intended, but Jesus shouldnt be coming into play here. whether he exists or not is not of any concern to me, and it shouldnt be a concern of any person in congress legislating the laws the govern all 50 states of this country, not just those few that would rather live in ignorance. There are real problems happening in the world today, war torn countries are all over, and now we are a part of our own war, which has nothing to do with us. In a time like this, the importance in a leader is not what religon he is, or where he stands on MORAL ISSUES!?!?! how can a person vote for a president of our country based on the fact that he reads the bible, there is more to it, there are policy decisions, every time he steps up to a podium he is supposed to represent our country, and our way of life. This man doesnt represent me. A good person doesnt make a good president, it takes more then that, knowledge and the ability to run a nation and budget the funds...the taxes that WE pay, and not spend them on the murder of more people overseas, more than 4000 miles from here, we have people here who are losing faith in our leader, and our country.
Some people say Michael Moore hates america...how can that be true? this is a man who is fighting and releasing films, and doing everything he can to make this country as advanced and enlightened as it can be. The fact that he is exposing some of those secrets in the government is upsetting people...what about the fact that those secrets exist in the first place. what happened to a president who is responisble for the actions he makes? Bush has never once waivered in his attack on Iraq, people are still dieing, our people are dieing. He uses this as his strength, the fact that he will stay the course. but this course is not founded on anything other than this idea that we have the muscle, we should continue to flex it. Push our economy even further into the debt, lose more jobs. The sad thing is even those people in Kansas are losing their jobs, but they dont care because they have a good christian president who believes he was appointed this position by God. He reads his bible, yea but does he read the policy reports on his desk every day that say we are losing jobs left and right, medicare is almost non-existant, our economy which used to be a surplus, now is at a record low...Bush took money away from youth grants, which were meant to help that ever so impressionable group of 18-24 year olds who have just become adults and are looking for a place for themselves, they graduate from college, or from high school, and there is nothing for them out there.
I certainly feel disallusioned as a result of this presidency. I read all about all this happening in the newspaper, and on the radio, which is being censored like crazy now, and the television...a woman drops a towel in a commercial, and its a national controversy...what?? last i checked there was no nudity it was a womans back, which a person can see anytime they go to a beach...scandalous...i know it.
Even Howard Stern, who i never listened to, but i was never against his show, i just didnt find it entertaining, I think many people would agree that his show is the same as it always was. He is running the same graphic content, and pushing the same limits as he always was. Now the FCC is coming in and slapping him with multi-million dollar fines, because of indecency. what the fuck? Im am so sick of these people who are slowly trying to push the bible into law. It is a book, just like any other book, written by man, not God.
This is a country with some basis of Seperation of Church and State, which simply means that our country has NO established religon, to try and legislate christianity is violating our Constitution, which has stood for more than 200 years, with less than thirty amendments, ten of which, were decided upon before the Constitution was even signed. It seems the framers of our country did a pretty good job, only now is it becoming an issue with people, who suddenly find themselves with a leader willing to overthrow all the progress to go back to a state of christianity...where we used to be...no wait...at the beginning of the 20th century most of the country was...what? protestant. People who were against the catholic movement that came in during the twenties. oh shit...there seems to be a glaring contradiction there...
Among others, these are the people who are entirely anti abortion, yet...pro death penalty, how can you say that a life is always worth saving...unless they do something wrong. then you have that whole gun control thing.. these people want to make sure every person in the country has a gun so that should someone pull a gun, every other person will also pull theirs, its like mutually assured destruction, except with this, its not a government deciding the fate...its every person in the street, if a crazy person just decided to get a couple shots off before they died, then a whole bunch of people will have died, Charlton Heston says "guns dont kill people, people kill people" but...the gun certainly helps, just standing in front of someone going "BANG BANG" isnt going to do much damage...unless they are a bit touchy in the cardiac area - Eddie Izzard said that...smart guy.
ok well...ive just spent forty minutes writing and that time just flew by like it was nobody's business. well, now that im properly enraged i shall be ending this, sorry for getting political, its gotta happen sometimes. Its a good thing i dont have a gun, otherwise it could be dangerous getting on a plane.
enjoy...or not, this was for me, comment if you agree on anything though, or disagree, i want opinions, if your willing to share... |
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| 4 a.m. forecast: lightning strikes... |
[Nov. 14th, 2004|03:50 am] |
ive realized for the longest time that...i am mostly a blank canvas...i mean my personality exists and its what i am...but if somebody asks me to draw it...NOTHING comes out...ive always felt sort've empty because of that, its happened so many times in my life, where im supposed to express myself, my true emotion...who i truly am...
I cant put that on a paper...
it always felt like i was lacking in that department. Anyone who walks into my room has to notice that...the walls are all bare...i wanted to decorate it, but i couldnt think of any thing that i could put on my walls that i wanted to see.
My walls have always been bare...
now here at college...at four in the morning, im suddenly stricken with an idea while talking to a friend...
You see the problem with me in the room...its bare...of course, why would i do anything now, i never did at home, so i brought nothing along with me. i have blank walls...totally, i have...one picture with me...just one.......
she tells me im a blank canvas and i need to put something up on my walls to represent me...but i find it hard to do that. Especially since nothing here seems to represent me at all, and i tell her im an interperater not a designer...and...that really i true, i mean, i am in theatre, i take a text that is given, and i interpret it...ive always liked art, i want someone to paint me a picture...and also music, i interpret the sounds i am hearing...then i can help to make my own...everything i do is not about designing...its interpretation...oh well...now that i have this suddenly realized knowledge...i think ill listen to music and not let it change my life around in any way...thats just how it goes folks... |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 11th, 2004|06:26 pm] |
i hate not knowing things...im getting closer to the answer...the big answer ive looked for my whole life...what does it all mean?
im almost there...
but...not yet. |
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| daylight savings |
[Oct. 31st, 2004|07:48 pm] |
last night was daylight savings...i always get a little bit sad with daylight savings...the days are suddenly shorter, the sun is gone an hour earlier, it really kinda symbolizes the end of warm nice weather...blah.
Its a sad time, the time really only gets me sad twice a year...the first is when daylight savings ends in fall, the other is that time right in late spring, when they pull all the cadbury cream eggs from the shelves, its always great when you see them on the shelves a little after christmas. i mean summer is great and all, Barbecue's are great and all but they really cant compare to the sweet creamy center of a cadbury egg. It's a bummer when the cadbury cream egg is gone for another year, till that magical easter time again... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 29th, 2004|11:34 am] |
i seem to always go through the weird things that just sit in my mind during my critical thinking class...i was counting down the days till i get to come home...now its 25 days btw...smiles up the wazoo...but while i was sitting in class...for the first time i actually started missing you, like i felt a physical response, almost a void in my chest where something should be...its not home...i dont really...home is where i put my head down to sleep...so i dont really miss home, its not the comfort so much...just a select few who i find myself longing to see. It just is different...i realize what its like to miss someone, like to physically feel something missing inside without a person...it makes me want to come home more.
the days do seem to go by pretty quickly, i started keeping count at 28 days...and these three went by really quickly, and the weekends are always quick. i cant wait to come home, i was thinking about all the stuff that ill be coming home to thanksgiving weekend and it makes me happy that i have all this behind me, and i get to come home to it and enjoy it. I think because now i can appreciate more what home is, and having a car, and the friends that ive had for awhile now, itll be a chance to see them, realizing what itll be like to leave again.
Home is the boost that i could use in 25 days.
I cant wait... |
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| hangouts and hangovers... |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|07:10 am] |
yea im finally updating...whos excited?? i know i certainly am...nah i dont really do that...ya know, get excited.
it occured to me earlier today that...i havent even seen my parents face in over two months...i havent seen anyone in my family, or any people i got familiar with for 18 years. It only occured to me today, cuz i havent really thought about home at all...its a different part of life, and i cant mix them...28days till i come home...WOOT! im excited to see people and my old town...and all the things i love.
It hasnt been bad up here at college ive gotten used to it, like i knew i would...it just takes me like a couple weeks longer than others, but im fine up here...in the cold. Yea its cold.
i wouldnt say homesick...i think im more...."familiarity of hometown, famers and friends, people you recognize on the streets, having a car, and food around me and people i like-sick".
wondering just what college is...has been on my mind for awhile...because its hard to explain the environment and everything going on but i think ive figured it out to the best that i can...in one word...
RESTRICTION
growing up is entirely about restriction to teach us how to be and what is appropriate. College is the removal of restriction...a complete removal of restriction...we have responsibilites, yea...but most people have the option of fulfulling those responsibilites. i mean think about it...we have to restrict who we are in front of our parents because we cant let them see all the bad things we do, we come home stumbling and have to act straight up normal for the parents and keep it down till we are safe...but college is always safe, that restriction is removed, no parents. This is where our behavior develops the most, because we are it 24/7, and the party isnt over ever, cuz there is always somewhere else...thats what the transition to college is...
we are dogs whove had training collars for eighteen years...you go to college as a test, the training collar is taken off, to see if we stay where we are taught...or run into the street and get hit by a SUV...filthy buggers...ive gone off the property, like i naturally would, but i can keep my eye out for cars, like i hope all of you will be doing when you see those headlights, i hope you can recognize them and end up like the deer frozen to be slammed because it was scared to move...
(thats all a big metaphor use your imagination)
What i do miss very much is the music scene on long island, its alive and fresh, out here...music is non-existant, its all dave matthews, which i knew because its impossible to go to college and not have every person be a dave matthews fan...like i never realized how nice it was having people around you know at least some of the music i listen to, its good support, and its good music, and meaningful music.
i miss the meaning of music around here.
i didnt really think that it would be like no one knows who brand new is and taking back sunday...i wasnt expecting people to know rise against or strike anywhere, or even NOFX...but like those are bands that got pretty big...there is one good thing though, something corporate is playing a show here in november, so there is a show i can see, i saw them a few years ago and they put on a really good show. i enjoyed it, but like no one knows who they are...its weird.
maybe thats a difference though, we have that music running through all of us, teenagers filled angst and frustration at the world given to us, we get it out with a guitar and a microphone, or scream along in the audience, up here, there isnt really a binding thing running throughout...basically people hang around, go to the bar wake up the next morning...hungover to do it again the next night(note the subject name..WOO, i got to it finally)
i wrote awhile ago that i didnt want to come home yet because i needed to be away and i needed to feel alone, and find myself somewhere else and grow with the world around me. i think i understand what i meant now...i feel different now than i did two months ago when i said goodbye to my parents at the car and walked up to my dorm room and it just sortve...started. Now two months later, thinking about going home, and i finally am thinking back to the day i came...
its a whole different thing now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2004|08:53 pm] |
update coming soon...be ready for it...
thats it...
really...
stop reading im done...
serious, like not playing...
you shouldve deleted or commented by now...
this isnt the update...
its just to let you know...
so stop reading...
...
see now the words have ended...
cuz you just kept reading...
now youve done it... |
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| sending out thoughts...maybe |
[Oct. 7th, 2004|02:24 am] |
im sick...yea the weather just got cold in like a day, now its like cold fall, it sux...weather made me sick...damn. he wins.
originally i was going to have this crazy thought out journal entry and write more carefully then my last college paper, but because i cant remember im just going to wing it...
jack and i were talking before about how cool it would be to be in a band, like as a job. Id love that, because i really cant see myself helping out corporate america...at least if im writing music and playing on stage, its living out basically my dream, not necessarily an actor, but id be on stage performing, as a career...although thats just a dream...who knows what could happen...ha
things havent been too bad around here lately, except the weather, ive being doing a little more, getting out, meeting more people...although it still doesnt feel permanant here...i still feel like just a visitor...maybe in a few months ill really feel like its where i live right now...away from home. i dont mind being away from home, im not home sick...i am more, familiarity sick...like seeing people i know everywhere, and knowing where i am, and having a car. its the things i got used to living it for that last year, everything was really going smoothly, then suddenly im back to square 1 in a crazy place surrounded by people who all dont know each other.
i still need a haircut...my hair is still looking like a hobo...but fortunately i found a place where i can get my hair cut on a bus route...which is good, so maybe ill go this weekend or something, cuz...damn, ive been trimming it myself just to tame the beast...but it just keeps growing really fast...it sucks, cuz i never pay attention much to my hair, but its just too long and the slightest wind messes it up..then i have to meet people with this messy thing on my head, its no good i tell ya.
ive been on a lot of brand new songs lately, its good...one of the things about brand new that i like that is a really hard thing to find, is that they have four good instrumentalists, but they also four really good singers, thats a rare thing. Its that support that people like to hear, the other voices behind it reinforcing it, so, really a band is like a posse, cuz those people all back each other up when things start coming down...they sing together and jam together, to make the crowd work for them, they all back each other up to have a good show...
a band is like a posse...i just said that?
i sometimes think there might be somethign wrong with me, like some kind of sleep disorder, cuz on the weekends i physically cant get up before 2 o clock. The other day i woke up at like 130...and for a halfhour i just layed in bed...i tried to get up, but i physically couldnt do it, it sucks...i might be like dieing...nah...maybe i just need some protein...haha no thats not it, but eh, i wont get worried about it, im used to it by now. Im used to being up all night, so many nights i just spent awake and thinking, or talking to someone, online, or with someone the phone...im used to sitting up and singing along to i believe in a thing called love by the darkness...or talking online till the birds are chirping outside...
i probably like permanently damaged my sleep brain, or whatever i feel like calling it. If thats the case, ill just be awake at night and thinking and maybe talking to someone, maybe just letting it all go through my mind, maybe even updating my journal::gasps::...yea..thats right, cant sleep right now, just letting my brain ooze out all the crap stewing around right now...and im sick! up at 3 am and im like dieing...its awesome...well I think im done for now
comment, dont, whatever you feel is right
laata |
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| did you know i miss you? |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|12:58 am] |
well,lately ive been on a big konstantine kick...for those of you who dont know, its a song by something corporate, its like the only song by them that i like, its...nice, in a sad way. It makes me want to be happy, its tough to be happy sometimes. I mean we all claim to want to be happy, but some people are perfectly content in their misery, eh to each his own.
I dont even know what i would need to be happy.
I dont mean just getting through life fine, with few problems, i want the problems that happiness brings, ill take all those tragic moments for just that one...the one where i can say...i am happy right now, i think i've had one or two, but...if i cant remember a specific one...does that count?
i mean how can someone claim to be happy when there is nothing to be happy about? I dont think being really satisfied with life is just having like no problems, thats like a control in a science experiment, theres just nothing there, so no change occurs.
Im ready for a change.
sometimes it feels like everything is going by so fast. i was reading a friends journal today and realized how much i have in common with this person, theyll never know it, but ive always felt a sortve kindred bond, that was never spoken or thought about, but i think we both felt it for just a second, and even though weve both taken VERY seperate paths and i dont talk to this person, i just feel some kind of connection. Ha then again, maybe well wind up living in alaska together, watching the northern lights
One of my main goals is to see the northern lights before i die.
all the color and beauty just floating around in the sky, with no place to really go, and not much to do...just radiating in the sky, letting everyone look, its not ashamed to be beautiful.
why are we all afraid of being beautiful?
all of us has something beautiful and unique that is just ours, something no one can EVER take away from us...even if its being able to touch your tongue to your nose, its something that is yours and no one can ever take away from you.
Why do we all measure our achievements by everyone else's? Then if someone acts like they have an even greater one we feel worse than ever, not just because theirs was better, but because if they think theirs is better, they will pay no mind to yours...Its important for us all to share our successes with people, its the same reason people dont go to amusement parks alone, or look for a friend so hard. When we get somewhere, we want to share it, it feels like nothing even happens unless we can share it with people, and usually its one special person we want to share EVERYTHING with.
Everyone says that a best friend is someone you can not talk to for months then just get together and its
like you never left, or
someone who knows everything about you, or
even someone who you can just sit quietly together and have the best time, or had the best conversation with...
I think that all goes along with the sharing. If you think about it, its the person who you share all your successes with, and they are genuinely happy for you, and when they share all of theirs, your happy for them...when there is no bitterness or jealousy, thats when youve got a real friend.
well, i think i've gotten enough crap off my mind for a little while...ill leave you all with a question.
Who wants to share the northern lights with me? |
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| something interseting to me |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|05:44 pm] |
last night in my critical thinking on politics class something really struck me as interesting. It had nothing to do with the class (so dont worry all u people who hate that i think about politics). there was this fly in the room just buzzing around the room. I of course started watching it, because...well...things like that are fascinating. but i watched it fly around with no goal in mind, until it landed on this kids foot. he had sandals on so his feet were open. i was wondering how long it would take this guy to realize it was there and shake it off.
he never noticed it.
It walked around and explored its new territory and moved all over his foot, all the while him paying no mind to it at all. I found it fascinating that this little bug, if he had seen it, he would surely have tried to kill it. But while he wasnt paying attention the fly could roam and learn and be familiar with its little area all to itself.
Then like twenty minutes later it found its way to girls foot who also had sandals on. I thought for sure she would notice it...
She didnt notice it either...
And again the fly was able to explore another area that it probably never encountered.
The perks of being so insignificant you are free to roam...
it makes me wonder how much a fruit fly sees in its one day of being alive, they are almost never swatted at, because in its first seconds its learned how to escape from attack, it already knows how to react the instant a hand comes flying towards it. Simply by instinct it could be more advanced then any person in the "civilized" world. We are all conditioned to ignore what our instinct is telling us. we have been told that our instincts made us savages, and filtering it out is our best option.
Sometimes the most rational thought is none at all...
Why do we get that knot in our stomach looking down the dark hallway even though we are supposed to believe nothing is there?
what about that eerie feeling when were outside and suddenly notice exactly how quiet it is?
It's not fear, its something else...
its almost like a sixth sense that we all have. Maybe that sixth sense is something we all possess but have been taught to ignore, because its not proper. Im convinced that our own innovations will inevitably be the death of us all. And when that happens and the Earth starts over and recycles and cleanses itself of all the filth we created, maybe we can be the next fossil fuel for maybe a second attempt at civilization.
We were all doomed before we even stepped out of the darkness
well folks, that is my thought for right now...
laata |
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| your blood doesnt run cold, it runs from you |
[Sep. 14th, 2004|12:56 am] |
ok well, im going to update now, so...yea
classes, eh, they're all fine, life is fine, college is fine, not like a fine wine...more like cheese.
wow i have nothing to write right now. |
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| more bitterness! |
[Sep. 10th, 2004|04:25 pm] |
i find myself writing more, not in the journal, just in general. i write more in my bed when the thought comes, i keep a notebook next to the bed now.
pages filled in just a couple days.
I cant help but wonder what this stuff is that i write, because i can never remember what it is i wrote, the next day when i read it, its totally foreign to me.
i dont even recognize my handwriting anymore.
I used to know myself, or at least who i made everyone else see me. its gone now though, i dont feel like any person right now. something isn't there.
My handwriting looks childish, and it never gets better, i try but it always looks exactly the same, and it looks like someone else.
I've always prided myself on knowing who I am. Now that I've been here for about two weeks, I've had to ask myself
who am i? I've always said "just be yourself" like its just something we can click on, or its something we turned off on purpose.
maybe i've had my switch turned off for a year.
Sitting here in the dorm staring at the white spackle paint of my ceiling, I see a tapestry of my thoughts.
The colors are beautiful, but the designs are blurry.
I cant sit still anymore, but im too afraid to stand alone.
i hate being afraid, i've never been scared like this, its like being afraid of the dark, its not what i can see, its whats beyond that. Like taking the popcorn maker, or looking behind door #3...we want the popcorn, but why are we so intrigued by what isnt there?
saves the day is playing through my headphones right now...through being cool.
It makes me smile. I've almost forgot what that is like. |
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| im moving |
[Sep. 3rd, 2004|06:04 pm] |
well...the triples broken up...im moving this weekend to the 3rd floor of the same building. this is odd, im not exactly sure how to feel how this, i mean i kind of dont mind the new room because im hoping my new roommate will be a party kind of guy who can help me get out, maybe he knows some people...cuz i dont. then again, its been nice having these two guys as roommates, i know they are both nice guys and we all get along and even though space is limited, the three of us were able to live without a single problem, so that was nice, but who knows. Things gotta change sometimes, i just am hoping its for the better.
ok well...my decision as of now. I dont like it here. I havent felt a connection to anybody here really, and i didnt bring enough, ive realized that as time goes on i dont have enough...my short supply of food is almost gone, and its been like a week, i havent gotten a bus pass yet, but i need to, then make a run to wal-mart, but ill wait until i end up moving, then hopefully ill stock up on all the food ill need, cuz i dont wanna go to the food halls alone...ive gotten food with my roomates, but now im leaving and ill probably lose that...bummer...now i probably wont eat much unless...eh who knows...
both roomates are away this weekend, so now im alone here and when they come back ill be sortve gone thats weird, hopefully theyll still call me for holdem and maybe even foooooood!
life's weird lately, college is different...
laata |
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| college days... |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|04:24 pm] |
ok well i just finished my last class for today and ive got nothign to do so im going to update...WHOA...ok well things have been ok lately...around here, nothing particularly exciting...
ok well, i found out what alone is...its standing in a room with about 1200 people, all crammed right next to each other and having no one there who u can talk to, eventually i just kind of leaned in and started talking to some kid who probably didnt wanna talk to me...its strange everyone seems to have found people..im still waiting and trying...maybe itll happen soon, who knows...oh well ive met people just kind of met them and moved on though, so oh well, ill deal
i went to my first class and...its gunna be a long one, cuz i have no interest in oceanography at all, and im trying but...ugh...then i had my voice and diction class..which is a VERY interesting class tought by a woman who is an odd one...but she could be cool, the first day shes like "i may drop names and talk about all the stuff ive done, but thats what i know" she found a way to bring up some show she did in japan, which is like whoa...and we arent allowed to have piercings..ACK...i have to remove my tongue ring while we are in there, and i cant have jeans, or shoes! but it should be a good class. then i had "the american experience:1920's" which is a lot of reading but the work shouldnt be bad...i met a kid there who lives in lindenhurst! he went to private school, i thought that was wild. talked to this girl who i get along with and shizzle, I think I'll enjoy the class though, because I've always found american history to be interesting, well although i didn't like the 1920's when we did them in school, so who knows how that'll go. I'm excited for my class wedensday night which is critical thinking in politics. It's written right on the course description that its about helping students form arguments and stuff. EEEEEEE...i love arguments and ive gotten into politics, so thats a plus and i loved political theory in high school and this seems to be basically that class only in college with more intelligent people. YES, that excites me.
**the other day i watched "the girl next door" which i figured would be my kind of movie, and it TOTALLLY was. I do like romantic comedies...although this is one geared as a guy romance, which i like. thats one of those weird things ive noticed when watching movies. The ones for girls have the guy as a really strong but sensitive guy who understands her, whereas movies for the guys, show the girl as a spunky, off-color weird girl, who makes the guy want to be better and makes him able to do things he couldnt have done without her...and thats the stories that make me feel all warm and mushy inside. thats the kind of story id like with a girl, i like a girl who can push me to do things i wouldve never been able to do, and who is spunky and different, and well...shes gotta be cute...someone who like the way i look at them and who sees past my geeky kind of exterior to things beneath. someone who appreciates me and who knows how much i appreciate them, even when i screw up or do something stupid, i want a girl who is right for me...**
good enough for now...
laata |
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neverbe_greener's journal